Since finding out about being pregnant it never really registered in my head that I would face another operation.
I had my last caesarean section in 2011, I had abdominal surgery in 2014 for abdominal adhesions and last March I underwent surgery again to have my gall bladder removed which was only months before falling pregnant this time.
I have known from the beginning that I would be having surgery, after an emergency section in 2001, elective section in 2011 there really would be no doubt that my days of even contemplating a natural birth were well and truly out the window and I would have Caesarean section.
However its only been the last couple of weeks it has finally hit home that I am going to be back in that theatre again and I am terrified.
The birth aspect of the surgery doesn’t phase me as after all I get a beautiful baby out of it, however for someone who hates relying on others and is super self-sufficient to the point of OCD with it … I am now getting panic attacks about how much this surgery really does impact on your ability to carry out the most basic tasks.
I am also going to be honest and say that my pain threshold is utter pants and I am a massive wimp.
In my last section I cried at having the cannula put into the back of my hand for goodness sake!
As much as the delivery of Joshua was the most amazing experience and one I hope will be recreated with the birth of this baby I am still utterly terrified.
I am trying to remain positive that I won’t be given the Oramorph that I was allergic to this time and so I won’t end up spending half a day in recovery projectile vomiting like something from the exorcist … but even trying to tell myself that it won’t be like that again I am still hitting panic mode and I am really not sure how to keep calm about it.
There is obviously no options and I know the only way now is to have surgery but I am so not mentally ready for the surgery even if I am ready to meet my other son!
Well, there is no going back … in less than a week surgery is imminent and life will change again.