I became a mum back in early 2001, just 21, scared and frightened and practically on my own.
After a turbulent start to motherhood, we bunkered down in a women aid refuge to regroup, heal and start again.
The following 10 years were mixed with heart ache and sadness but hope and determination that I would do the best by my daughter even if I was on my own.
At no point in those 10 years did I yearn for anymore children, and it was only when I got together with Ollie, my now husband that made me think differently.
Our new family didn’t have it easy with his psychotic ex-wife that clouded the first few years and a continuing presence of my daughter father we seemed to ride on extremes and it was really hard work.
Add into that my daughters undiagnosed depression and mental health issues and so getting pregnant with Joshua was a scary time.
During the pregnancy I had a lot of medical complications but when Joshua was born I knew it might be too much to have anymore children.
For 4 years my longing for another child never faltered and with continued medical issues for me we decided it was now or never so after my surgery in 2015 we got lucky and got pregnant with baby Jacob.
The pregnancy was fairly easy in comparison to the others and with a heartbreaking time slapped into the middle of my pregnancy when my daughter decided to leave to live with her Dad we came out the other side battered and bruised emotionally but in one piece.
When Jacob was born in February my heart still ached for my daughter but he brought new joy to our family and it had been almost like he has always been here with his cheeky smile and knowing look.
With yet more surgery on the cards for me and the fact I am now 37 Ollie and I have had to discuss the fact we realistically can’t have anymore children.
My poor body is physically broken, financially we are strapped and time wise we really would be under immense pressure.
I know that the reality is we can’t have anymore children but a tiny piece of me deep inside aches for one more.
It’s insane to even contemplate it (and we aren’t) but why won’t my head tell my heart to stop yearning over newborns in prams, why won’t it stop me picking up newborn baby rompers in shops and why on earth doesn’t it stop me wanting to sniff a passing babies head? …. What is wrong with me?
Does anyone ever just wake up in the morning and say “hey I don’t ever want to have any more kids” does it hit you like a thunderbolt while you’re brushing your teeth?
Should I expect to one day be passing Mothercare and to keep on walking instead of hanging my nose over the strategically placed items in the window?
Will I ever feel that urge to have another baby leave me?
Don’t get me wrong I am so incredibly lucky to have my little people but the urge is strong …. I am just going to have to be stronger!