Having a baby is surrounded with magic, the magic of being lucky enough to get pregnant, lucky that you have been privileged to make it to end of a pregnancy and see your new beautiful baby and lucky to be able to bask in all that is wonderful about new life.
However for me this time its been tinged with feeling like a failure.
I am struggling with berating myself about not juggling my life the way I was before, I am tired and the days and nights are merging into one and I have found loosing my personal identity, perspective and independence so much harder this time around.
Don’t get me wrong I love being a Mum but the ceserean section robbed me of being able to get out and about from the house independently and it has robbed other of being able to see just how much pain I have been in as sections are easy right?
I know feeling guilty stems from my own rather battered and bruised emotional self after having had a baby as lets face it with raging hormones, cracked nipples and not enough rested brain cells to function any negativity impacts on an already precariously balanced soul, but tiptoeing around other people perceptions of what you should and would be doing by now has left me feeling guilty.
After spending the last part of my pregnancy predominantly alone day in and day out while Ollie was working and being in agony and unable to get out and about, followed by the influx of visitors after baby arrived … Weeks 3 and 4 since having baby Jacob has been super hard, many of the once eager visitors have disappeared and are nowhere to be seen again, the expectation that you are now fully healed and will be picking up where you left off in every aspect of your life is more than rife and with so many days blurring into each other it would be fair to say I now feel broken too.
Ollie has returned to work after 4 weeks off and I am at home alone trying to put life back into some degree of order after all my previous routine has long since gone and I am struggling.
Having a baby apparently warrants opinions and expectations from those near and far who take great delight in telling you all about your shortcomings … which is scary in that if your anything like me you already know your downfalls and certainly don’t need someone else to point them out.
But yet that is certainly something that opens your eyes when you become a parent for the first or even the third time around as parenting seems to have you pre-selected into a private club of competitiveness over who’s baby did or didn’t do this that or the other first last or at all and if you decided to do something that fits with your baby, you or your family that goes against whats ‘in’ at the moment …. you can almost hear the tutting ….
Why are people just so judgmental?
After all I have yet to find someone that has this parenting lark 100% sorted … so why do I let it worry me?
I am going to make a mental note to stop worrying … or at least eat more cake and take a deeper breath.