When I became a parent with Beth I pretty much single parented and worked 60+ hours a week in a paid employment role. I took work home, was on call, had conference calls in my pajamas at 5am some mornings diverting a childcare staffing crisis for the recruitment agency I worked for.
It was all an avoidance.
I got pregnant with Beth at a very young age, I was 20 when I found out and 21 when she was born … I was in a volatile relationship and one I felt I desperately needed to be in as being a statistic was not what I wanted.
It failed, I soon became a statistic and instead of letting myself heal I jumped headlong into a frenzied qualification gaining way of life, aiming to prove I was someone and I had something to prove to myself.
Over the years I have pretty much continued in this emotionally draining and soul destroying way … trying to prove to myself I am worthy, even my disastrous first marriage (although with a lovely guy) It was all about the next step, all about making everyone happy … but I failed at making me happy.
After a turbulent few years with yet another manipulator and bully, when I came out of that on the other side and I started my current relationship I vowed to take a breath, enjoy it. Things changed rapidly with the quick pregnancy announcements, complications and then redundancy.
For the last 3 years I have floundered, I have not settled, I always felt the need to prove I am worthy, prove to who I am, not quite sure, although as it turns out I was wrong.
Over recent weeks I have finally shed my skin and after reevaluating things in my life I am pleased to have come out the other side, with a few battle scars and minus some baggage and maybe not quite patting my own back but inviting myself to the party … its a start