After sharing my health sorry so far and while I am awaiting diagnosis I am very honoured to be hosting blog posts from other bloggers about heath conditions they or their loved ones face everyday
Today on my Health Story Series is the lovely Jenni who writes a lovely blog, Odd Socks & Lollipops about life with her Danish husband and her adorable little girl.
You can also find Jenni here:
Living With Fibromyalgia and Joint Hypermobility Syndrome
My daughter is 2 and a half and I still feel like parenting is very new to me, I feel like I just started on the whole parenting journey and I have been derailed.
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Joint Hypermobility Syndrome earlier this year. I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis, the fact that it’s a chronic illness and that in all likelihood will never be better.
I guess I feel lucky in some ways, I have a diagnosis so I know what I am dealing with, and things, hopefully, shouldn’t get worse (flare-ups notwithstanding). I have a treatment plan in place which involves physiotherapy, pain management and hydrotherapy and each of these could help me feel a little bit better. So I have positives to focus on.
But I also feel angry and upset – I am still trying to wrap my head round everything,…my symptoms, my illness and the fact that it is for the rest of my life. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like it’s all a bit unfair. On my worst days I wonder what I have done to feel like this and I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently to avoid feeling like this. And some days I even feel like I deserve to feel like this. But most days, my rational self knows that there is nothing I have done to feel like this, or could have done to avoid feeling like this.
I think the worst thing for me, has been saying goodbye – not only to the person I was but also to the parent who I will now never be (which sounds a tad melodramatic but it’s true). I had so much planned… I was going to be the best mummy I could be for my perfect, adorable daughter. And now I feel like half a person. One who slows everything and everyone down. And I hold a list, a list which gets longer every day – a list of things which my daughter has to miss out on… because of me.
My illness feels like it adds a whole new dimension on to the guilt I am pretty sure all parents feel naturally. I hope that this guilt is one of the things I can learn to accept and hopefully change. With my treatment plan slowly getting started I am hoping to have more good days (though I would settle for just some more ok days). And my hope that I can learn how to pace myself better so I don’t trigger my own flare-ups or bad days. I am terrible for cramming as much in to my good days as I can which I pay for later with more bad days.
So I find myself saying goodbye to the parent who I feel like I was supposed to be. That parent who will never exist. I am starting to accept that I can’t be the parent who I saw when I looked in to the future. All I can do is to try my best… and hopefully one day I will feel like that is enough.
Thank you so much Jenni for sharing your story and I am sending you the biggest of hugs and hope the flareups remain at bay and you can move forward.
Why not pop over and see what else Jenni is writing about over on her blog Odd Socks and Lollipops