My daughter and I have over recent months had a very love hate relationship. I love to nag she loves to hate. Now being 11 she has the pre-teen hormones and recently starting secondary school to boot!
Now what most of you don’t know is Beth and I left her dad when she was 6 months and lived in a Women’s Aid Refuge, we picked ourselves up dusted ourselves down and moved onwards and upwards. We were so close from day one we were a team, She was my sole existence for being, now it is both of my children.
Bethany always craved a family and we finally found ourselves a part of a family over the last 3 years and have loved it. She cried with excitement when she found out she was getting a sibling.
Beth has always maintained a relationship with her Dad and I am a firm believer in Mums and Dads even if not together having a part in their child’s life. This has not been easy by any stretch and many times I have gone above and beyond to help maintain the contact between her and her Dad.
The last few months have been heart breaking, Beth has been so unhappy at times and very angry with all of us. She is constantly craving attention and has done some horrendous things to get it. Not only has she had pre-teen hormones to deal with she has had a constant guilty feeling over not living with her dad. Her dad has from a very young age has been telling her when she was 10 she could decide where she wants to live. (This was never discussed with me)
Her Dad married last year and his wife has 2 children who live with them, both girls, one Beth’s age and one slightly older. Beth constantly looks up to the girls and although one week they fight like cat and dog and the next they are best friends. Her Dad and his family have recently moved into a very large house in which Beth will have a big new room. Money has never been an issue for her Dad unlike us who although not skint we do have to be careful and we have to budget.
Today has been one of the most traumatic days of my life as Beth has decided to go and live with her Dad, and has gone. Although I know she thinks this is what she wants, selfishly I think she has made a massive mistake; my heart has broken and will never be fixed. My life for the last 11 years has been being her mum and now I am not. It won’t be me anymore that does the mum things with her.
In my selfish thoughts right now I hope that this is all about the materialistic things an 11 year old would love and he Dad can give her and that she will see that this is not all life is about. I hope against hope that she will miss me as much as I am missing her.
I have seen my daughter through her first everything, teeth, tears and schools to name a few. I have held her hand in hospital when she was very poorly, and wiped her sick off her face in the early hours of the morning when the dreaded lurgy took hold to many times to remember. I have for the last 11 years existed solely to help her become an independent, bright, intelligent girl and now I am lost.
I know I still have my little boy and I love him to the moon and back, but I still feel incomplete without her here. I feel like only half of my heart is working and I am finding it difficult to breath.
I have spent the day thinking if onlys and that I let her down in some way. I know some of you will think that I was wrong to let her go (I am thinking that right now too) but all I have ever wanted to do was to make her happy and if this was the only way…. I had to let her go.
I can only sit here now and hope that she sees life will not be any greener, nor will materialistic possessions replace quality time that she needs.
I sit and hope….