I like to think I am super happy person but I have been lying.
Over the last 3 months I fear I have not been the most honest about me, nor do I think I have taken on board the physical issues I have been having with this pregnancy or the emotional issues that my daughter leaving to live with her Dad has caused.
I wiped away the tears and it became a mission to get the house decorated from top to bottom so I could keep my mind busy.
Now the house is almost complete, minus one room I have nothing left to do but think about what I have avoided for last 13 weeks and it now seems to have hit me full on in the face.
Add together my already delicate self-esteem and raging pregnancy hormones and it would be fair to say I can feel myself teetering on the edge of that black hole once more.
I have been to that dark place that is depression some time ago in the past but it’s only my sheer stubbornness that is keeping me from going down that route again, in fact it’s probably the fact I have been there in the past that makes it more recognisable when it’s waving from a distance for me to come back to it this time.
For me I suppose my depression is not anything that is dire, I don’t wonder off, cause myself harm or sit rocking in a corner I just seem to go inside myself for a while, maybe it’s a self-protection thing to protect my already damaged self and I switch off. I go about the day-to-day, but for me I stop hearing what is going on around me for a while and that is why I don’t want to go back there again and why I’m glad I noticed what is happening before I get there and it takes hold.
I am coming into my 24 week of this pregnancy and I am not afraid to admit I need to be a little bit selfish and start thinking of me, saying no occasionally and planning in some ‘me’ time.
Somehow I need to figure out how to move forward without one of my children in my life, as for 14 years she was the centre of my universe, so her choice to go and the subsequent lack of contact has hurt me more than words could say, even if I understand why she wanted to see if the grass was greener, it has still hit me hard.
Over the next few months I am going to be more gentle with myself while I come to terms how my family unit has changed and how it now seems its going to stay for the foreseeable.
Oh hon, I’m here if you ever want to talk. I wasn’t sure about asking about how things were going with your daughter and her dad. I really had hoped things had changed. It must be so difficult. Always here for you x
thanks Susan xxx
Oh darling, my heart hurts for you. I am very much like you with my depression.. I am aware of my triggers and the symptoms and I am too stubborn to admit they are there, so I continue as normal whilst feeling like a shadow. I’m only 10 minutes down the road if you ever want a chat or a rant, please don’t forget xx
You can also have a preview of what’s yet to come with a baby (4 years is a bloody MASSIVE difference!!) x
thanks Misty, i think it certainly helped to know what my triggers are this time, i think you have captured how i feel exactly, its like I’m not really here and i am a shadow!
We need to meet up its been ages x
oh hun my heart hurts for you. Her leaving was never going to be easy, and as you say the hormones don’t help.
I think you are quite right to be kinder to yourself, and yes it is easy to see it creeping back again when you have been there and back in the past.
Passing you a virtual piece of cake and a cup of tea.
xxx
thanks Elaine, i am certainly going to be far kinder to myself! xxx
Sending lots of love and gentle huns.
You time is definitely needed sweetie.
I’m always here to chat x
Thanks masses lovely xx
So much love coming your way. I cannot imagine the emotional pain you are in right now, you are right to take some ‘me time’ to try and deal with that.
thanks so much lovely xxxx
Oh big hugs lovely. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but it doesn’t surprise me as you have been through so much. I hope you can adjust quickly and begin to feel happier xx
thanks honey, i think taking some time out will certainly help
Oh Jaime, the last 6 months have had so much going on and pregnancy hormones don’t help either. If you didn’t feel a bit like this then i’d probably think there was something wrong with you. You have so many friends that are here for you no matter what, for a chat, moan or just a giggle, so use them! Concentrate on you and that lovely baba you are growing and enjoy your time with J before the numbers change. Big hugs lovely.
aww thanks Ellie, I think the reality is really hitting home and no amount of avoiding it is going to help. big hugs lovely x