Agonising Fear of Death

Since becoming a parent I have gone through the stage of panic attacks that a whole other human being depends on you .. Although scary in its own right it has been only fleeting like that odd dream you have of falling… you know that one that you never hit the ground and you wake up by your own jerked movements. 

For the second year in a row and the third year out of the last four years I am heading off for another operation today.

I am scared. 

On the run up to last years operation I felt panicked and out of control, maybe even a sneaking fear every so often, however since getting the call for this cancellation appointment came through last week I have been on full on panic, feeling sick and shaking at the mere thought of it.

So much so I have taken to mentally preparing letters to my children, husband and family should I not make it back home. To top that off however since the weekend I have preparing lists and tackling jobs with total gusto. 

Just in case ..

* I have (with the help of Beth) painted all but 2 fence panels, jet washed the garden and  weeded all the boarders – After all I will be laid up looking at it for a few weeks if I make it back or any visitors can admire the lovely garden 

* Tea is sorted for a week or so as I have batch cooked, Chilli’s and lasagne and Spag bol for a small army! – Everyone needs to eat right?

* Jet washed the garden patio, the path at the back and the front garden – I don’t want to slip on slime should I make it back from surgery

* Cleaned the cooker and cooker hood filters – After all it would give Ollie a few months grace at having to think about doing it. 

* I have gutted the kitchen and steam cleaned anything that has stood still – At least no one will get ill from germs! 

* Emptied and cleaned both fish tanks – Well they don’t need to die too … although maybe too late for one fishy friend as it was floating 

* I have purchased more toilet rolls – No one ever fills up the downstairs toilet cupboard so have bought more and stocked up 

* I have washed and ironed almost every article of clothing that is owned in this household

* I have cleaned and hoovered throughout and packed some bags for hospital 

I think more than anything I get anxious with the organising, having to ask for help doesn’t come naturally and it’s the one thing that makes me inwardly squirm. Thankfully we have the parents on standby for babysitting and child organising today and over the next few days too. 

So this is it … surgery here I come…