*Advertorial Feature With Johnson’s Baby*
I have been a parent for over 18 years.
I have had some epically horrific parenting moments and some amazingly high moments in my parenting journey.
There have been many tears along my journey and also much laughter but it has only been the past few years I have finally accepted the journey I started on is not the same journey as the one I am on now.
If you are not a regular reader of my blog you might have missed how my daughter and her father chose to leave without talking with me. They made a decision amongst themselves one day and after years of heartache dealing with CAHMS workers over issues with her behaviours and the most amazing paediatric consultant we were finally nearing a mental health diagnosis. However, she left to live with Dad and I have not seen my daughter since. She was 14.
Over the last 4 years I have spoken with her twice. On both occasions she blamed me for not wanting her ever. No amount of vocalising that I did will change that.
Initially after she left I was hurt, I was angry and I hated the choice she had made. You see the bigger picture is that I left her father when she was 6 months old because of domestic violence. I lived in a refuge for a while because we had nowhere else to go that was safe. Even through that past I did everything in my power to make sure she had regular meaningful contact with her Dad.
Over the years I sucked it up and covered for him when he was too busy to get to her on time at his fortnightly contact. I put up with continued verbal abuse from name calling to threats and I kept my head down and put up with it all for 14 years. To me it felt like Beth’s choice was a betrayal.
A betrayal to how much I had put up with through those years to keep her relationships with her dad going. At how I had struggled parenting alone with no back up from her Father.
I have relived those memories over the years daily. There hasn’t been a day go by that I don’t question my own parenting and the choices I made.
I have no doubt my parenting was different to how her dad parented on the fortnightly visits. I was subjected to abuse over my parenting standard by her dad practically daily just before she left. There was always something to berate me with it seemed from her Dad, and I get it.
He never had to walk in my shoes. He never struggled to provide, he never had weeks at a time and he never had an absent parenting telling him what an awful job he was doing, as he had never actually done it.
This constant criticism weighed heavy for such a long time with me. It was something that made me question everything while raising Joshua and then also Jacob.
During the last 4 years I have learned deep within myself that parenting is not one sided. People are not one dimensional, neither are situations and all of those things affect the choices you make as a parent every day.
I parented Beth as helicopter parent in a rather authoritative method. I was stricter with Beth then I am with the boys but I can see why I made that choices I did and I accept them. I parented alone under mass scrutiny. The pressure was immense and I lived on my nerves.
Parenting this time round with the boys has been a totally different experience. Ollie and I work as a team and are for the most part on the same page when it comes to parenting (although bedtimes choices are sometimes an issue!) I am a different person because of him and that means I parent as part of a team because we respect we have different parenting views. All factors I believe that have allowed me to grow and listen to the boys and to become a different parent.
As part of my parenting journey as a Johnson’s Ambassador I have attended some amazingly informative workshops. They have helped me process more than I thought possible. The event I attend about self care was one that I initially wanted to run screaming from.
My past traumas of domestic violence, abuse and the broken relationship with my daughter all weigh heavy. But I learnt a few years back that I needed to effectively shelve those traumas to be able to put them in a mental box so I could give my energy to the boys. I only have one lot of energy and if I was using mine living in the hurt and pain of the past then I wasn’t able to give my energy to anything else.
During the event even though I wanted to run from the room when the talks first started as mentally I have to open that very delicate box of pain and hurt but I decided it was time to help me recover some more and listened.
There were some amazing speakers and I felt the content really resinate with me. As parents we feel guilty all the time, we constantly feel pressure of doing too much, not enough or to parent in the right way. We give everything we have to our families and children and its so important to acknowledge that without filling your own cup of self care you have nothing left to give.
We discussed how important it is to gentle on ourselves and each other. The content really flowed to the last event too and I felt they complimented each other.
In the last event we discussed the impacts of parenting and gentle parenting and It was nice to find out the benefits of it and that in fact my parenting style had massively changed over the last 18 years. During the meeting it felt like I finally understood my journey so far. (you can read more about that event HERE)
I felt guilt through the years about being happy and I no longer feel that guilt. I feel elated that my life has gone on. I feel relieved to no longer be scared or to live on my nerves I am accepting of the past I had and acknowledge I made some questionable parenting choice, all be it for the right reasons. I am not perfect and I know I will make some questionable choices in the future no doubt.
What I am looking forward to in my parenting journey is being able to enjoy the boys without guilt. To soak up those laughs and watch them flourish.
I am not perfect but I am still learning … I will always be learning.
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